An old Simpson’s episode comes to mind every time I think of the
homeless. In an effort to win office once again for the town of Springfield,
Mayor Quimbly designs a campaign that demonstrates what his efforts will do to
make Springfield a place worthy of praise. One of the images was of a homeless
man being turned into a mailbox. How they were to accomplish this was beyond me,
but the image always stood out in my mind, the point being that the homeless
were to be hidden from sight or rid of altogether.
And then I moved to San Francisco. It occurred to me that Mayor
Quimbly’s office campaign would never fly in the city. San Francisco does not
hide its homeless.
What with our relaxed homeless laws, granting them the right to
sleep on sidewalks and solicit donations (among other things), the many food
distribution programs, and innovations for the benefit of those without homes,
such as turning
old San Francisco buses into showers for the homeless (no joke) it is no
wonder why San Francisco is a Mecca-of-sorts for those sans home. (Literally
Just Googled "homeless mecca" and this
was the first thing to pop up.)
My friend and I have a problem with this, and it’s not what you
think. If you’re expecting me to get all political now, I’m going to disappoint
you.
No, the problem my friend and I have is not with politics… it’s
with the weather.
San Francisco is just too cold to be homeless. You may point out to
me that in the winter, homeless shelters spring into action and open their doors
to welcome the homeless into the warmth all over the city. Even so, this is the
foggy city we’re talking about… named thusly for good reason. Even in the summer
it’s a tad bone chilling.
It’s not uncommon to see the homeless on their chosen street
corner, door jamb, or staircase, wearing five layers of clothing, smoking their
cigarettes through cracks in their blankets or sleeping bags. I even saw a girl
the other day in SOMA who had made a cozy little fort out of blankets and
shopping carts.
The point is… although San Francisco laws are very conducive to
living without shelter, the weather kind of negates it all.
Then again, this is coming from an OC girl whose uncle once said,
when I introduced this problem to him: “If I was homeless, I would buy a plane
ticket to Hawaii and live on the beach.”
I
explained to him that that’s not how being homeless works. That being said,
here’s the three things my friend and I decided would be a must if we were going
to be homeless:
1. Location, location, location. Every realtor knows that
a good home is all about location. I believe this remains true even if you have
no home. My friend and I decided if we were ever to be homeless, we would make
our way to Florida or some such place where the air was never cold, the ground
never frozen, and our cigarettes would be uninhibited by blankets or sleeping
bags.
2. Have at least one set of nice clothes so you can get
into nice places and use their restrooms. Because, hey, everyone enjoys the
comfort of sparkling clean porcelain beneath your bum (no pun
intended.)
3. Live near a source of water. The ocean is a good
choice because beaches usually have outdoor showers to rinse off in and collect
drinkable water. Lakes and rivers are good because you can wash yourself off in
the water and MAYBE drink it… depending on the quality. The Calaveras River in
Stockton, for example, is a poor choice. You may end up with a third eye after
washing in and drinking that water (and not the metaphorical, insightful third
eye, unless your insight is that you shouldn’t have drunk the water in the first
place.)
San Francisco clearly has none of these (except nice clothes. San Francisco has plenty of those.) And the ocean doesn’t count because we are once again faced with the problem of cold weather and water. PLUS I’ve never seen an outdoor shower on any of the beaches BECAUSE IT’S TOO MOTHER LOVING COLD TO SWIM HERE.
My other friend and I (the one I go to the gym with… sometimes…
when I go…) decided also that it would be prudent to have a membership to Bally
Total Fitness, since it’s only $9.99 a month (and now here I am advertising for
them… oops) and you could TOTALYY beg that much money off of passers by each
month. And with that money you could...
A. Have a nice, warm place to hang out in when it's
cold if you don’t want to be surrounded by all the other homeless in the winter
shelters.
B. Have full access to
showers.
C. BE TOTALLY FIT. (Because yeah, that’s what you worry
about when you don’t have a home.)
Final Scenario: a bum living in the sunny rays of the Florida
sunshine, frolicking in the warm southern waves of the Atlantic, rinsing off in
the public showers, collecting shower water in basins to drink when he or she is
parched. He or she spends the days begging money off of passers by to pay for
his or her monthly subscription to Bally Total fitness. In the evening, he/she
spends at least one hour at the gym, getting totally fit, and then using the
showers to wash once again. He or she has obviously brought the basin to the
gym, and collects more water there. He/she then dons the one set of fabulous
clothes to his or her name (and looks AMAZING in it because of all the working
out) and hits the clubs (the free ones) to have a warm place to sit and, of
course, to use the public restrooms.
After all this thought about the ways in which you could
successfully be homeless, I realize it is now I who must be reminded that this
is not how being homeless works…
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